To be honest, I have been meaning to write this article for several weeks now but I was simply too insecure to write about my insecurities. I was so afraid to write about the way that I feel that I just wasn’t writing at all. I am here now though, and I am learning to let go of my fear.
This may come to a surprise to some, though others might find this relatable, but dressing up is not always easy for me. Behind the wall of confidence, I too wanted to be trendy, beautiful, likeable, and not so weird that people actually call me weird. This is something I struggled with almost every morning while I got ready; finding the perfect combination between trendy and who I wanted to be. Behind the girl who wore dresses and a full face of makeup to school on a Monday morning was someone who sat on her bed crying because she felt so lost in who she was. There were days when I would give up on finding the perfect outfit and settle for something that was 100% not me. Those days were the worst. My bad days didn’t look like no makeup and sweatpants, my bad days were full of clothes I wore for others instead of myself.
The only person standing between me and the person I wanted to be was myself.
On a day that I wore the most predictable outfit, I found myself shopping with someone I look up to so much. She is so intensively kind, creative, and looked like she knew what she wanted fashion-wise. As I looked at a pair of pants that the person I wished I was would love to wear, she pushed me to wear them anyways.
I was so stuck in comparing myself to others that I lost myself.
For the last week of high school, I decided to go out of my comfort zone and wear all the things I always wished I would. From the outside this might have looked like normal Jasmyn™ outfits, but this was actually a really big deal for me. For four days in a row I wore outfits that were out of my comfort zone for one reason or another and it felt so good.
Each day I felt more confident, I felt more like myself.
Even though four outfits didn’t fix everything (obviously it took me forever and a half to actually start writing this), it was still a start. I still have a lot to work on to get to a place where anxiety doesn’t rush over me every time I leave the house, but wearing clothes I love helps a lot more.
I know clothing isn’t everything, but being true to who you are is.
The girl I talked about looking up to earlier was actually my photographer for this week. Her name is Chandler Stroda (but I call her Chan Chan) and she is the kindest person I got the chance to get to know this year.
Thank you so much, Chan Chan.
xoxo jasmyn lanae